27/04/10
While the water industry was concentrating on price reviews, the dramatic idea was promoted that its problems are so great that radical change is the only solution.
Act 1
Saturday 8 May 2010, 0645, 1 First Avenue, Red Planetsville. Bedroom at home of A. Martian, consultant, Universe Reality Check PLC. An alarm clock is chirruping.
Mrs AM
Argghh... Stop that thing, please, please…NOW. Don’t you know what day it is?
AM
Sorry, sorry love… will do (He kills the alarm.)
Mrs AM (Rubbing eyes, yawning)
You’re surely not going in. Tell me you’re not going in.
AM (wheedling)
Sorry, love. I mean, I really am. Urgent assignment. Earth…Lon-don I think? Some place…West-min-ister…?
Mrs AM (Cross, hurt, another weekend is going south)
I don’t believe you. I just don’t believe you. Since you joined URC, you’ve lost it, you know, you really have. You’re losing us too.
AM (Needs to sort this and get going)
I know, love, I know. Look, I’m sorry, I’ve got to go …. beaming in twenty. Home by ten. (He leaves.)
***
Act 2
Same day, 0730, sunshine, London, Department of Food, Rural Affairs and Agriculture; Secretary of State’s office; flowers: on desk, coffee table, sofas, floor; their scent fills the air; as does climactic music from iPod base.
Michael Buble (for it is he)
It’s a new dawn. It's a new day. It's a new life. For me. And I'm feeling GOOD.
Secretary of State (Arms aloft in dance, is suddenly aware she is not alone. Turns to see AM by the window, recovers, and, with all dignity possible, zaps volume down, but not out. She is genuinely pleased to see him.)
SoS
Welcome, welcome, good morning, good morning. How really nice to see you, I KNEW you’d be on time. (AM bows.)
You see, I’ve got this water problem. I don’t know what to believe. When I look at what’s happening, you know, there’s obviously stuff to do, but if I’m honest, no panic. Look. (Clicks up charts on wall monitor – strategic direction statements, water resources plans, investment, prices, drinking water, environment). But our colleagues and advisers say the problems are so big, we need radical change. (There is a firm knock at the door). Anyway, I’ve invited some of them here, so you can see what I mean. When you’ve heard them, tell me what you think. Come in, come in.
(Philip Fletcher and Regina Finn, Ofwat Chair and Chief Executive, enter smiling.)
PF&RF
We need to find ways to make better, more informed decisions. And we must also renew, refresh and re-engage with the common purpose and shared sense of urgency that helped overcome the challenges we faced in 1989.
SoS
Thank you so much and thank you for coming so early. (PF&RF leave.) (To AM) My next guest should be here any moment. (Polite knock at door) Come in, come in. (Enter Professor Martin Cave of Warwick University.) Why Professor Cave – Martin, if I may – welcome, welcome.
PMC
While the industry has achieved a great deal over the last 20 years, on-going challenges such as value for money and quality standards remain. In addition, the sector faces new challenges, most notably climate change and population growth. Now is therefore the right time to review the structure of the sector and its regulatory and legal framework.
SoS
Thank you so much for that. Goodbye, goodbye. (Exit PMC). I’m sure you’re getting the picture. (Another knock) Now, the green side. Come in. Come in. (Enter Ian Barker, Environment Agency Head of Water). Hello, welcome, thanks so much for coming in.
IB
Water is essential for life and vital to our economy. But climate change and population growth mean that in the future there may not be enough water in England and Wales unless we start planning and acting now.
SoS
Ian, thank you so much. (IB leaves) (To AM) See what I mean? What do you think? I’m depending on you.
AM
We have a famous Honorary Martian, John Kay (economist and author). (Clicks fingers, HMJK appears on monitor)
HMJK
It is hard to overstate the damage recently done by leaders who thought they knew more about the world than they did...They failed to acknowledge the complexity of the systems for which they were responsible and the multiple needs of the individuals who operated them. Successful decision-making is more limited in aspiration, more modest in its beliefs about its knowledge of the world, more responsive to the reactions of others, more sensitive to the complexity of the systems with which it engages.
AM (with a click HMJK fades from view)
Listen to your colleagues and advisers. They want to help. But you make policy. The water industry is a success. Build on its expertise. Don’t sell it short. Don’t make change on the basis of dogmatic ideas about how things should be. Be suspicious of radical solutions to problems that may not exist. (Moves to window and....is gone.)
SoS (quietly, to space)
Thank you, thank you...so much. (Picks up remote and clicks iPod to max.)
MB
It’s a new dawn. It’s a new day. And I’m feeling GOOD.
Lights down.
***
Quotations from: Feeling good, Newley/Bricusse, 1965 * Delivering sustainable water – Ofwat’s strategy Water today, water tomorrow, Ofwat, March 2010 * Independent Review of Competition and Innovation in Water Markets (Cave Review) Final report, Defra, April 2009 * Press Release, Environment Agency, March 2010 * Obliquity, John Kay, March 2010.
A version of this play, by Barrie Clarke, appeared in the April issue of Water & Wastewater Magazine
